Gary Monro’s blog

I feel hope from your letter, because you seem to be moving beyond that. Of course you would rather be loved alone, but in trying to put up with the situation as it is you are showing an awareness that the muddle this man feels isn’t unique to him. We don’t necessarily develop wisdom with our wrinkles, and it is perfectly normal to feel torn between two people.

This old girlfriend is probably a fascinating, seductive pain in the neck. Why else would his sons so dislike her? How else could she produce such a brat? Why didn’t their relationship last first time round? She sounds like bad news, and you should settle down quietly for combat — in the most laid-back, easy way imaginable.

You see, I read a warm, intelligent, loving woman who expects me to make the sensible suggestion that she gives up this chap who may well hurt her again. But because you have so much going for you, I don’t see any reason to try to halt your ongoing affection for “a wonderful man” who, after all, has done nothing wrong. He has been honest with you, and at least he didn’t try to string you along while seeing her behind your back. He tells you when he sees her and, even more civilised, he doesn’t expect you to wait at home hoping for crumbs from his table. Mr Muddle has already shown how hard he found it to get along without you. Now he wants to go on seeing you while he sorts out his feelings, and surely this should be possible? I don’t see it as “playing second fiddle”, but a recognition of the fact that his feelings are complex. We’re not angst-ridden teenagers, after all.

You repeat that you can’t “move on” while you are thinking of him, but let your momentum be along two tracks, not one.

Whoever is setting you up for dates is being helpful; you should certainly go on trying to construct a life to parallel the part-time one Mr M has with this difficult woman he thinks he loves. Go through the motions! Make sure he knows what a good time you are having (even if you have to fib a little). Also, do anything else (do you have a job?) to build vital independence. Not having your toothbrush at his house isn’t the end of the world.

In the meantime he and you will go on seeing each other, and as long as you don’t pick at the scab of his other relationship, the healing for it could come from your side. I don’t see that “heartbreak” is inevitable at all. You have no idea whether he will sustain his second attempt at a relationship with her, and so to give in at this point would be premature. You imply that you are good friends who talk a lot and have great fun together.

Nothing is more important. So many of the younger couples who walk up the aisle in spurious finery, having exchanged their vows before families and friends, know nothing of that, which is why their marriages don’t last. Believe me, it is far more important than passion. I think you have much to build on, and that if you can bear the fact that he sees her — and keep your mouth shut about it — you will move towards a situation where it is you, not her, who becomes indispensable to him.

And what if, after all, it is to end in tears? They may be his, because you could meet somebody else on one of these dates whom you like just as much. They may be yours, because some demon makes him choose conflict over harmony, and in the end he lets you go. But the cumulative warmth of the happy times you have enjoyed together could turn out to be a memory you will cherish for ever.